It burns a lot. I feel used and sad and hurt and alone. I run from you when I feel like I'm obsessing over things not from you. I feel like it's who I am, but maybe that's the problem. Fear is not from you because you are Perfect Love. Perfect loves dispels all fear. Thomas said so many things. He said he would fight for me. He asked me if he could keep me. He told me he wouldn't leave me. I don't understand.
Are my nightmares a reflection of the truth? I want to sleep in peace! I want to truly be able to rest. My insecurities, my fears, my failures, and my inadequate loves attack me in my sleep, in my most vulnerable state. And I've asked for help before, then pushed you away.
I don't know what more to do. When I love, I get hurt. I get raped. I get used. I get depressed. Jesus, I'm sorry if I lay my life down at the foot of the cross then pick it up again. I don't mean to pick it back up. What sick person would want all the pain you've allowed me to lay at your feet? Make me whole. A whole person follows you no matter the pain and the hurt and the fear that confronts her. Make me whole, Jesus, like the woman at the well and the woman with her jar of perfume.
-Ashley Ruth
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